This post is about to get dark.
At first, I was hesitant about writing it. First of all, because I am no psychologist, and I am aware that whatever you put online is out there for anyone to find… which could bring trouble to both the reader and to the writer. Second of all, I feel that I am being a drama queen. But… I can’t help it. I need to pour my heart out so I can fix myself. So, proceed reading under your own risk, and please don’t judge me.
I don’t want to go into the details of why, but these past few months I’ve been feeling sad… Moreover, I’ve been feeling depressed. But there is such a bad stigma about emotional disorders that I just let myself drown inside my thoughts. I refused to find help. It got so bad that I started feeling that my life was pointless. I hit low when I started feeling suicidal. Rough times.
After I started feeling suicidal, I realized that something was very wrong. It’s been literally months, and the thoughts don’t go away, they just keep getting darker and darker… waking up every day becomes harder and harder. It is not just the average depression that everyone goes through every once in a whole. This was some more serious shit.
But then… one day…
I woke up feeling really unmotivated, as always. It was six in the morning, the city covered by gray clouds. I walked to school, singing with a blue heart to the music on my iPod. I decided I needed to eat an ice cream to be able to pull through the day, so I went into a grocery store. The lady at the cashier was just so nice and kind to me. Just by that small action of a stranger I started feeling better, happier. And I thought, man, what if everyone was kind like this? Would the world be a different place?
Later that day, I received a call. It was from someone that I deeply admire, someone that I thought was severely disappointed at me. He called because he was worried about me, asking if everything is ok. His words reminded me of the person that I usually am. Moreover, with that call, he made feel like I mattered as a human being, not just as an academic being. Sunbeam through the dark clouds.
I won’t say that I’m doing good, because I’m not. But I’m definitely doing better. I owe it to me, to the world. I want more sunbeams through the dark clouds in this life, in this world.